SPRKS IN CSF: Looking at India, looking at the past again and se...

SPRKS IN CSF: Looking at India, looking at the past again and se...:   "India's doctors strike in protest at rape and murder of colleague",  I read the headings that has been in the news of late ...

PTSD, another view

 I read New York Times magazine article of 'the kidnapping I cant escape by Taffy Brodesser-Akner all in one sitting- yes its  very unusual for me . However  if you ask me what the content really is , I may find myself somehow to  be at a loss. I also read 'Diddy and me '. I felt so glad that NY times have really brought out an issue that many face , an issue that one  rarely talks openly about- traumas  and related responses that we use .These responses take many a shape and are nonetheless very  distressing. Even those of us who go through it cannot put  it into words easily... They are just there, as shadows that follow you every day even as the clarity of our days are shrouded in a mist , a mist that sometimes disorients us , some times is suffocating us as it extracts every bit of impetus for life from us... Each time as the mind swirls in it or  the body itself breakdown and fights itself spewing inflammatory processes , you are left drained , confused, yet muzzled by invisible internal forces. You wish to break out, yet is left  frozen incapable to act, all you do is just exist...

At least I can give the essence of what I read in the above articles  at the present time .This would  have been impossible  just a few years ago .I may read and re-read  as words existed just as a group of letters ,but devoid of context or meaning. That seems like a time so far in the past that it seems unreal to me today.

The description of inability to focus may have been one of the last bits that I had shed... I digress, I think there are remnants of all kinds of things that linger in life for me  from my traumas , things that I think I have moved beyond which  on  occasion  will still show up un -invited . I do not check my doors and windows multiple times now , but I do consciously lock it , repeating to myself what I am doing lest I really missed the all important step of locking the door .

Yes I do like to sleep with no curtains blocking the light coming in through the windows in the mornings , to welcome the day , as I say. But I do know there are secret underpinnings even for that...its so I can be aware of the outside world even as I sleep, I no longer check them every hour at night as I used to do, scanning the outdoors from the side of the shades , with  a swelling  anxiety and  the racing  heart beats  drumming ever louder in my ears... I just look out once before sleep and can then be off to sleep. No more standing by the side of the curtains , peering out with lights turned off scanning for predators in the shadows and sounds.

I do not have nightmares that wake me every hour or  every half hour, which is a big plus indeed. I am even able to push back at the flashbacks when they appear. The best part  now is that these flash backs do not get attached to emotional under currents as in the past where I would  stay frozen and my day slips away from me without any use or recall  for the lost time . Now on the few occasions that these flash backs appear I have found ways to navigate away from them using some pictures or specific music pieces .I still periodically lapse into the regret mode  of wasted life paths, carrier moves and all other  lost possible gains that could have been. Now I am able to look at these and say 'here I am' and 'despite all things, its ok'..

I think the hardest part to shed (still struggling with it) is the feeling of guilt for all things under the sun, including the sun itself... I may feel guilty if ' the sun is shining and if  its not ' as if  all of this universe's moods are  my fault somehow .But if I can just get a strand of humor to hold on to, then I am able to swing away  from those feelings that plague  me like an oozing bubo of the real plague from humanities past.

I am still not able to discard things of distress, I have them  all in the basement , penciled in on the box  to indicate its contents ' irrelevant-things of upsets, misery etc'  and that box sits next to a box containing two things ' -old journal articles - to review when I have time' , and 'my rambling writings etc' and yet another   box of  ' children's drawings and writings' . My children want me to discard most of the  things , they say ' at least get rid of the things that bothers you ', or 'why do you have these old journals... you can look up online for these any time  , surely you know that...'

I do know that on a realistic cognitive level , yet I am not able to discard these journals. Some vestigial parts in my psyche holds on to them as there was a targeted  constant attack on my reading  in my past, a denial to my personhood  all part of the repetitive nature of the traumas  and I seem to hold on to these as if I will lose my abilities again  once I throw them out . I may finally be able to do it today...As i write this I am also thinking-' what is relevance of research from the 1980's to the field today '. The reality is there , clear before me, but something keeps those boxes un touched , may be because up until recently I felt the fear of loss of  'me ' as an entity. I am more me  now , but the difficulties are there spread out across the various aspects of my life  and hopefully they too will loosen and fall off  soon. I am hopeful as I become more of me , I will be able to discard old journals despite the fear of lost words and learning . I do not cry any more when I remember parts that were lost to me due to the psychological trauma I lived through. I do not cry when I remember playing as a child, or remember how the air smelled with a first rain in summer . I formulate coherent sentences and the words seem to flow with ease now . When I read now  ,words  dance on the page and become forms in my mind . I know the words and the joy of words  may have been suppressed by what I endured , but  I am sure what was within me and what is me is something no one could erase...

by Pc-3 (07/13/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: PTSD, another view

SPRKS IN CSF: PTSD, another view:  I read New York Times magazine article of 'the kidnapping I cant escape by Taffy Brodesser-Akner all in one sitting- yes its  very unus...

SPRKS IN CSF: Domestic violence

SPRKS IN CSF: Domestic violence: As I read the NY Times piece on domestic violence' a snap shot of domestic violence spread' my first urge is to go on an  educationa...

Domestic violence

As I read the NY Times piece on domestic violence' a snap shot of domestic violence spread' my first urge is to go on an educational route, next I think as a clinician would  and want to write part clinical...

Here I digress and want to follow my mind  and go to where it wants to go, any way that was the reason that I started the blog so long ago, to put it all on paper , to regain letters and words as I tried to re-group my mind , gather the piece-meal bits of my brain into some kind of a cohesive functional whole. I know I will never feel brilliant again, I will always seek out places to withdraw  to, to hide in, to be invisible, especially when  I am told how great somethings that I did is...

I will always remain wary, the invisible scars never fade .

I do not allow to be gaslighted, nor give up 'me' for some altered reality any more. I too remember calling the Domestic violence helpline , with the thought of seeking support, had called a few times from work and hung up after dialing the number, just  as the shame rose in waves... I had a facade of respectability and intactness to keep and to preserve these I allowed myself  to be  slowly decimated.

I felt  that with reasonable make up application and rational sounding explanations it could be contained , until it was no longer contained and it spilled out more and more towards the children .

As always no victim in similar situation is ready until they are ready  and that is the reality .

Looking back I can see clearly , and I can project to a variety of out come possibilities  'if  I had stayed' none of them  have me in  a living mode...

The lack of support one feels is  at times real, at times it is a distortion of our perception.

When there is a gun near the bed , it is an implied threat and there is no point trying to repeat to yourself that 'you are over reacting ' to this and 'it is all in your head'. The financial control  is no fiction, nor is marital rape , even when you try to rationalize it all with some religious piece or cultural  practice rationale . Looking back, I realized that the subtle  signs were there from those early days of marriage (thank fully those were days  before any cell phones and air tags) of quizzing about  your work interactions , of  telling you the color of a dress that  you loved is 'not good ' finding that dress you bought being have so many small cuts  as you go to wear it, were all early warning signs . After all you loved that dress because it was your favorite color... they  all pointed to the tsunami that was coming to swallow you as life  moved ahead...

Now I know suffering domestic violence to stay married is not a measure of success, nor a virtue. I may have thought of these , but with time you were denied any thoughts... You moved , a shell , an automaton, dull and controlled , alone as your universe shrank further and further . You feared the closing of the blinds  and curtains until one day you accidentally found out that an open window or door , or a neighbor  ringing your door bell  acts as a deterrent and so you learn to create some relief  on occasion from the constant threat...

Just like some elected  officials views when it comes to abortion, I was told at one point that I have to  go for a late abortion, even when I and my doctor knew it is dangerous, because  the father felt he has a right to a son next... Chance confluence of events helped and hence I am here to tell the story, along with the blessing of a great daughter. I feared  and worried for the  intergenerational transmission of abuse ,may be the post divorce stable environment I could manage  helped to keep those genes from switching on... I hope so.

The threats that he will call CPS on me , the stalking , the threat to call my work and make me  return to him, the threat to make me  and the children live in the streets  none of it ever  came to be , but it made me figure out how to live with canned black beans , eggs and some leafy greens/ frozen vegetables to provide nutrition for the children. It was not long ago that I mentally prepared to live in a shelter , wearing a hoodie and dark glasses (yes, my plan so others won't recognize me  at my job)thankfully never came to being . At times I think back , ever so briefly and feel I am just viewing it from the outside . I try not to dwell on what was taken from me... time, emptied out bank accounts, hid away assets  , career etc , as they are irrelevant at this time as I am still alive and here for my children. After all those are just things , I am here now and that is what I have to focus on... the here , the now...

I try to move away from the past as I know it is not healthy for me to go to the past as it is bound to trigger some thing and  re-start my nightmares  all over again . I do not need that  for me in my  todays.

I can also very clearly sense the victim of domestic violence when I come across one now . I understand the defensive stands  and the shame they  feel as they try to hide  behind their facades. It is a helpful tool for me .

by Pc-3 (06/23/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: GHOSTS

SPRKS IN CSF: GHOSTS:  The evening's slanted rays weaved their humid haze into tendrils . In those  ghostly wisps were memories that never got made... Those s...

SPRKS IN CSF: To Protest

SPRKS IN CSF: To Protest:  To protest , yes a right , but more , thus defines our souls , They are but  bleeding souls, drips , our souls ... not warring,  Not wary c...

To Protest

 To protest , yes a right , but more , thus defines our souls ,

They are but  bleeding souls, drips , our souls ... not warring, 

Not wary calculations, not the wrath of the soul less,

Our souls , feels for those , feel their torn hopes 

Even as you try to erase... drips collective humanity ,

Yes we collectively feel, and it's power of all our souls...

Drips collects  into a tsunami, for what is right , for all...

poem by Pc-3 (04/29/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: Henry ,the bunny

SPRKS IN CSF: Henry ,the bunny: You are no O henry, o little bunny, nor a king henry Your hutch your kingdom, watchfully viewing the lands beyond,,  Be that the dining tabl...

Henry ,the bunny

You are no O henry, o little bunny, nor a king henry

Your hutch your kingdom, watchfully viewing the lands beyond,,

 Be that the dining table , or those who pass by the room,

A short pause when you greeted me ,yes ; through it to my bunny,

Who had passed on years ago, for a brief moment ,

Yet your fluffy self  an image in my mind still, even when you breathe  here no more...

poem by Pc-3 (04/14/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...:  I pray , to St.Navalany, along with all the new saints ,  All the new saints that go up  before God , no gates barring them,  All who I bes...

Saint Navalany ...

 I pray , to St.Navalany, along with all the new saints , 

All the new saints that go up  before God , no gates barring them, 

All who I beseech to, to  intercede for my earthly needs , for all my wishes ...

All these so presented ,I pray  for world peace too ,

Each day , so many more saints ;so many to carry my prayers ,

Yet my prayers  seem stifled , saints have been all around us;

There are the martyrs, of all denominations , all regions -

Those quietly suffering , those who pray and carry on ,then to die..

All who dared to hold true to their  depths, their souls ,

Those who stood up when asked to kneel, those who kneeled when asked to stand ,

All  colours, creeds , all who dared , all who lit the lamps in their hearts ,

New martyrs each day , this world has given, each  of saintly , yet human natures,

Courage of ethics , drives this flow to the heavens , an  un-ceased flood  to God , 

In our todays , in this so very modern era , they flock to the heavens ....

poem by Pc-3 (02/19/2024)

What maketh a saint- 'one who stands for what is right, despite all opposing forces, even despite one's  self ,for that is  a soul's courage '

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...:  I pray , to St.Navalany, along with all the new saints ,  All the new saints that go up  before God , no gates barring them,  All who I bes...

SPRKS IN CSF: 'Hind'

SPRKS IN CSF: 'Hind':  Hind-It's a name , names that means... 'some one', Yet names , they define one , they limits one, and we all have names ... The...

'Hind'

 Hind-It's a name , names that means... 'some one',

Yet names , they define one , they limits one, and we all have names ...

They are children, they are mothers, are fathers , brother, sister  , some ones' some body...

We never chose who we are , how we are  or where we were placed on this earth,

Yet again others want to destroy lives ... just because , just that ;for 'being'.

There are shapes, colors ,sounds , they differ ...

I pray again,  oh universe, oh let the might of nature  take over please ,

Yet again my prayer so the 'puny humans of war' be made to stop, 

By the wrath of nature , even as all Gods sleep, for Gods  an eternal  coma-

Has unleashed the demons of Men, here , there and over the hills too...

Demons of men ,theirs  an epilepsy  with chants of ' destroy all', theirs 'god given insanity' indeed...

So I pray , Nature do what you do, so the blinded men stop their wars, please....

Poem  by Pc-3  ( 02/10/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: safety

SPRKS IN CSF: safety:  I read the news about the Japan earthquake, and my thoughts just go to the uncertainty we call life ... People of Toyama  I  pray that you ...

safety

 I read the news about the Japan earthquake, and my thoughts just go to the uncertainty we call life ...

People of Toyama  I  pray that you all are safe. I also recognize that the ties that connect us come also just 

by chance . My connection to Japan is primarily through my own daughter's connection  and some times I 

think we  may have some past life connection. I felt a connection of oneness when I visited  there  with 

my  daughter  who had been teaching there. There is no other way to describe the internal connection I 

felt breathing in the air   and feeling the murmur of the bamboos , I felt at home , felt  I belonged...

Hence I also feel with the people who are now feeling the stress  and anxiety. I know safety is a temporal 

sense that is there , but it is a memory that comes when uncertain events  take it away  or disrupt it.

We forget to feel it until it gets unmoored .I hope all the people on this earth feels safety, yet mostly by 

human actions that feeling gets broken , at other times Nature  makes disruptions.... 

SPRKS IN CSF: Moral implosion

SPRKS IN CSF: Moral implosion: Ethics lay by the wayside, Compassion has died steady and ,slow... In its ashes has sprouted dominance. I breathe , all around... the mo...

Moral implosion

Ethics lay by the wayside,
Compassion has died steady and ,slow...
In its ashes has sprouted dominance.
I breathe , all around... the moral implosion,
As breaths are extinguished...
Questions  struggle askance, for quests undefined-
Yet extracting lives, strife to life's horizons,
 Stars and gods gaze down insentient...
Words  disconnect, they are lost to me,
Meaningless , they have become chaff now.


    by
peace crane 3 (from july 2016,yet even more true today)

SPRKS IN CSF: Winds

SPRKS IN CSF: Winds: The winds, they stir in the desert, they blow hither and thither,  Shamals sneak in  to coats the days, I rise , floats on an updraft,  Yes ...

Winds

The winds, they stir in the desert, they blow hither and thither,

 Shamals sneak in  to coats the days,

I rise , floats on an updraft, 

Yes the wind beneath my wings have  shifted, 

The dust that coat me is  all that is left ,

Here it smells of death, the dunes have turned...

They have become craters, and now they  rust...

The updraft is just sorrow now, just sorrow is me.

the godlike ones calculate, lies for money, closed eyes ,

Not  to see ,yet the sand turns red all around ...

Poem by Pc-3 (12/09/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...: words, sounds separated children,  man-made borders, shelter pets, crickets in a nuclear dust, cries , breaking souls, repeat again -- h...

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...: words, sounds separated children,  man-made borders, shelter pets, crickets in a nuclear dust, cries , breaking souls, repeat again -- h...

separated, at at at , tender age ...

words, sounds
separated children,  man-made borders,
shelter pets, crickets in a nuclear dust, cries , breaking souls,
repeat again -- hate .. .control, laws, cruelties,
gloating laughter, backtracking words, sounds, crying children,
slammed doors... Bullies, laughable notes, music, sobs...
miller got soul envy,
hates a child that's ever been loved...
suckling pigs , sati on a pyre
paper white , ink that spread don't cry -only sulk to torture,
PTSD, return of the devil...time rewind, 1985 June , rules , laws...
untouchable, female, dirty, child, closed door ,
infant cries, pediatricians rules,.. dare to disobey?..
bully by any name is still one;
bully pulpits change, titles all shift shapes...
God weeps in children, in an infant,
love is not rules, nor dunes
dictator comes in all shapes, shape shifting demons,
beguiled masses...
oh so many years, traumas shadow all a life,
dare I question, raised eye brows,
oh nurse smith, one less moment of torture for my baby...
pediatrician, president or king-all shapes,
devils adorned in shimmer, mirage, life or oil vats..
Bibles- blades to guillotines,
dark days, dark shadows swirl inwards,
sorrow seeps to coat my soul,
soulless floaters, fake gods,
north star, plastic bit ,shimmer in the sky or the seas,
universe- reflected tar in our souls' images,
death, hell, life -all iterations of the same...

(poem by pc3-06/18/18)

consider donating -
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'I don't recall what triggered this poem, but  the content was a deep sadness for the cruelty meted out to my children by their father, especially my child born in 1985 with rules seperating him from me - his mother , yet was saved briefly by Nurse smith. I don't remember her first name , just glad she came by when she came to see  her consultant pediatrician's new baby ... the little miracles that happen even in the midst of hell called life , these are what one is thankful for ....wanted to put it out here as i recalled that miracle"

SPRKS IN CSF: Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...

SPRKS IN CSF:  Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...:  Three religions...  The three monotheistic religions had started  their life in a region that had held human thoughts in where they all bre...

 Three religions... 

The three monotheistic religions had started  their life in a region that had held human thoughts in where they all breathed the same air , yet how did the minds bend and shape it to navigate life with so much venom , spitting out so much hate towards each other . They all started out their course for reducing suffering in various forms , yet they have caused and continue to cause so much suffering through out human existence .When can any human see another as just that' another human...another who share the same space and breathe the same air, will human mind evolve and advance to that position ever?

All wars have sprouted  and had  been grown, fed on the hate for another, fueled by religion ,and they continue to do so...

Passover, Easter, Ramadan, or for that matter any religious observances and festivals are meant for one  to focus within , to make one better with hope and share burdens with one  another at the soul level, but  instead  in its place there is a wave that crests in hatred and denigration of another within the dark corners of our minds. Instead of trying to heal the soul every religion grow their zealots who has lost their conscience, and they claim to be leaders leading with vitriol ,furthering another's suffering. 

Similar decay has taken over every religion , be it Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Budhism, the  disruptors have worn the distortions that is convenient to them  and loudly profess their great faith , charging in to spew vitriol and cause more suffering for all. The din and chaos is not conducive to a self reflection and those loud ones only want their thundering sounds to be above all else . For a moment if one were to think, none of us had a choice of where we were born, nor which religion we came into practicing, a few genes  came together by chance and we came to be born into a certain family. Hence how can we claim our views to be dictated by faith , place of existence or where we happened to be 

It may be too much to hope in an individual human's capacity  to be reflective and uphold kindness to others and acceptance of one another  during all times, but I can certainly hope. There in lies the real hope for peace and growth of compassion towards another  growing from within our souls  nurtured by self reflection and acceptance of what is beyond the self....

( pc-3, april 2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: The Day after tomorrow

SPRKS IN CSF: The Day after tomorrow: Yesterday I dreamt of the coming of spring, Birds singing in the trees, And flowers dancing in the sun;      Today, I wake, and go to wo...

SPRKS IN CSF: THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR

SPRKS IN CSF: THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR:  There are no winners in a war ........... ..................................................... Just grief  and misery........................

THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR

 There are no winners in a war ...........

.....................................................

Just grief  and misery...............................

...............................................

Prayers and tears ripple ,

Lives torn asunder......, "..."

..............................................

....no winners  ever in a war......

..........................................

SPRKS IN CSF: Care ?

SPRKS IN CSF: Care ?:   Numbers and letters, names and assigned tribes , groups,  sections , lost in these ,we are faced with the loss of human nature within us. ...

Care ?

  Numbers and letters, names and assigned tribes , groups,  sections , lost in these ,we are faced with the loss of human nature within us. It all fall into some words , illustrious  descriptions , all for war lingo...

The news media goes about vying with each other  as to who and how sensational any tragedy can be made for consumption. Lack of care for the suffering of people  must not be the criteria by which the ratings and hence the profits are measured, but that is how the caring news business runs. 

Just the same way that  political rantings go as well. But above all the humans are forgotten . The people did not choose to be born either Christian, Muslim or Jewish .The new born baby got the stickers placed on him or her , just by chance in the lottery called life. His or her life got placed on whichever geographical place it happened upon. The color of their skins got colored by the rate of melanocytes that was another slot on this lottery system. A few genetic material got mixed together and came into being , however the ones that create suffering  and war have their agenda and the human beings  who chanced to be at a certain place is left with  only suffering . 

There  is never anything right about any war, just what is left...a lot of suffering , a lot of humans who did not choose .. all left to suffer... and the utter despair knowing that  'no one cares'... no gods, no countries , no loud  ones Then it  all become  but days.. long days of  just quiet sobs, of children and slow whimper of destitution. just despair...Each morning the sun  sighs into being  and the heat of despair look on the days, giving  way to nights of  unimaginable losses.....endless days where no one cares  and no care can mend the broken...  

SPRKS IN CSF: to Mourn

SPRKS IN CSF: to Mourn:  Words have lost their sounds, in a vacuum they simply float, Soundless words , emptied they search, for heart... Comfort and Despair , pair...

to Mourn

 Words have lost their sounds, in a vacuum they simply float,

Soundless words , emptied they search, for heart...

Comfort and Despair , paired  to the same life,

Man -why do thee curse life  , with all emptiness,

Why  do thee make life  so unbearable , just so... to prove you can?...

poem by PC-3 (10/15/23)

SPRKS IN CSF: Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...

SPRKS IN CSF:  Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...:  Three religions...  The three monotheistic religions had started  their life in a region that had held human thoughts in where they all bre...

SPRKS IN CSF: 'Anon' at Gilgo

SPRKS IN CSF: 'Anon' at Gilgo: "support the UN's International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.".... 'Anon"- I had imagined it...

SPRKS IN CSF: 'Anon' at Gilgo

SPRKS IN CSF: 'Anon' at Gilgo: "support the UN's International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.".... 'Anon"- I had imagined it...

'Anon' at Gilgo

"support the UN's International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women."....

'Anon"- I had imagined it to be some  famous person, with so much credited to the name , until it collapsed under the factual knowledge of what it stood for...

But I am 'Anon', imperceptible like the air, stranded at the interlocks of a feather , I stay on the beach, in the air, in the spray, just there...

Some times, I am just in some ones thoughts, always 'Anon'....

  The waves lapped at the sandy beach, throwing up the sand, swirling memories of lives from the deep as it foams, form-less. Somewhere far in the Atlantic a storm churned and raged. The muddy foam slaps at  the shore, perhaps in its efforts to avenge the land.

Screams from somewhere on the shore leaned into the howling winds ,mixed into the spray and lost itself seamlessly into the universe.

One could say that the howling winds of the nights were all interwoven sounds- lives spilled into the vast oceans, periodically re-visiting the lands gathering up more of those into yet other storms; sounds of muted crying, heart wrenching sobs, screams of distilled fears and death , all woven into the air and sea, blowing over the land ,  to spill out as wind and waves...That may be why howling winds distress man and beast alike, moving all into hiding.

     Crisp air with the faint wisps of snow hung over ocean parkway. A stream of light pierced that darkness and turned right onto the driveway. She had met him at a bar some where in Queens. 

The only strand that clung to her memory was the curves of the SUV-sleek red Audi with break lights that glowed like red feathers..

Oaks island had a charm that lent itself to the scent of moneyed outcrops that varied between beachfront cottages and tidy little houses that nestled along that stretch of sand. Little marinas dotted the bay ,tidy boats swinging on the waves.

Her mind stayed  partly in queens- the bustling loudness interspersed with sweat and grime in the streets, where humanity's hopes and its hopeless pathos evaporated into the air .

The bar was loud and coarse with the pathos , for a brief moment she felt she had escaped into a higher plane, even as she knew it would be short...It was just life for the sake of living, You held those hopes -you took some and you lost some. Who indeed has any right to judge, about principles and rules, yes when life has to be lived with all its apathy and pathos that  churns up in the efforts for a grip at survival. 

She viewed her actions as momentary, but others may consider them consequential...A short sigh escaped into the cold air as those feather break lights disappeared into the garage . She was standing in the arc of a driveway. 

The air was chill and she shivered .He knocked on the glass panes of the window to get her attention. The front door opened and she floated in with her little silver purse by her side . The tap of her high heels echoed hollow through the house .

   Time has a way of sweeping out the present into the future, and at times it gathers up the past and dots the present with its ghosts. Yet it is this character of time which gives it that aura of undefinable ghost like quality...

She didn't have any way to define the present, except that she was in some floating cloud-

She was not sure of time or events any more, part was past, and parts present , real or unreal all mixed up and cloud like...

Yes, the Audi with break lights like red feathers, not some random dots or lines , glowing feathers , and its curves , graceful like the arched back of a nude sculpture...A room at the back...

The grey sports car purred to life and charged like a winged predator, all bared teeth and wings tucked by its side , as she ran into the sand bank...

  The air was crisp with snow falling in tiny wisps. The raw wind picked up and brought ashore the foam floating like scales of ash from the fire place where he burned her ID and things that mattered-there was a faded family photo tucked inside her wallet.. The wallet retained its shape in glowing embers , its charred form soon to crumble into flakes of ash to scatter like dandruff on the sand  as he threw it far.

All these forms have become a "non"

Nothing mattered any more as her screams were drowned out by the howling wind, her voice became part of the wind which will blow each winter howling against his conscience. 

Her choking gasps escaped raspy against the raw sea and died out like the embers at his fire place, as he pushed her  further into the water. 

The swaying lights of the beach houses and the line of the shore remained silent , as the air turned with her breath 

 (story by PC3- 11/25/18- ref- gilgo beach's lost)

Most Femicides occur in the homes, femicide  the ultimate violence against women

SPRKS IN CSF: Collective PTSD...just some thoughts

SPRKS IN CSF: Collective PTSD...just some thoughts: PTSD is a group of symptoms that affects individuals.  It may affect communities as a more collective response after disasters, However let ...

Collective PTSD...just some thoughts

PTSD is a group of symptoms that affects individuals. 

It may affect communities as a more collective response after disasters, However let me express my take on the world at large :there seems to be a recent phenomena that is akin to a collective PTSD like behaviors in communities  culminating in a wide array of symptoms that  seems to make people frozen in various ways in a collective sense. 

I am speculatively tunnel-scoping here, but it is more apparent to me that nations can collectively respond as if  large groups are affected by various PTSD symptoms , mostly in varying degrees .

There is trauma experience , and of course the whole world has experienced traumatic events , in fact people have had collective traumas experienced cumulatively, the most prominent and nearest being the pandemic . When you look back it seems that destabilizations that affects people elsewhere is collectively felt to a certain extent by all, more as a vicarious experiential event through the media news spin cycle , charging up their emotions . 

If one cannot separate the self from it , to look inwards to a point of calm within, the boundary of identity dissolves  and sense of self  feel assaulted , either affiliating with the victim or the aggressor or both in varying degrees at varying times... 

There is no  salve for the internal chaos that come from the absorptive external chaos . So what happens with this? Let's speculate using some of the symptoms described of PTSD, as if they are collectively felt .

The trauma triggers other recalls within the brain ( again what is one person's trauma is not necessarily the next persons' trauma or even trigger)

You feel triggered , which in itself  shows up as a variety of behaviors , thoughts or actions .You have flashes of events from the past which brings up irrational fears and loss of control.

You want to withdraw , you want to do something(right now) or just feel antsy, irate , so in an effort to calm those internal feelings , you surf the media some more, which gets you to more triggers. You feel no one is doing anything and blame a whole lot of people , still those triggers keep going and you feel ineffective  and frustrated ...your thoughts are no longer coherent as you are not able to differentiate where some events or thoughts end and others begin. You dwell on things and you stew , feeling less effective.

 As you withdraw more you also feel more disconnect, this leads to inaction , or wrong actions .You feel just dissatisfaction , and the outcome is more dissatisfaction and ' blaming the other'. Its always easy to target some others or whole systems instead of effectively managing what is within your control and reach, hence the effective actions to be taken are stifled and only chaos ensue . This internal chaos seeks out others and more chaos and disorganization in a group setting is then the outcome .

A community PTSD of this nature do not follow an identified trauma , hence it is even more  damaging for the whole community...

The collective effects are felt and internalized further and if each within the  collection of people do not try to quiet their minds  any loud mouth gets to spark and set off those wrong  actions, an avalanche of wrongs then comes forth with much disastrous consequences... There is need for leadership, strong leaders . They are not the loudest or wildest, but those with integrity of thoughts and calm thoughtful actions for the good of all in the collective group. It takes integrity and clarity of thoughts and actions to lead  and there are very few who are true leaders. 

(by PC-3 07/09/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: SMOG

SPRKS IN CSF: SMOG:  This day dawns hushed, The red fruit of the haze Floats low on the horizon, Wisps of burnt nature smart my eyes, Nature's revenge ,its ...

SMOG

 This day dawns hushed,

The red fruit of the haze

Floats low on the horizon,

Wisps of burnt nature smart my eyes,

Nature's revenge ,its own singed skin;

Scars the earth though slow,

As you flay the forests bare in wider sweeps,

And soups the oceans in plastic,

Natures revenge , it coats my air.

Maybe I will remember it tomorrow,

May be I will stop to think again...

Poem by PC-3 (06/07/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: Asthma, Flashbacks and Gods….

SPRKS IN CSF: Asthma, Flashbacks and Gods….: On  Asthma, flashbacks and Gods…. Flashbacks, they come un-invited. A little girl cowering under the covers, stuffing her shirt into her m...

Asthma, Flashbacks and Gods….

On  Asthma, flashbacks and Gods….

Flashbacks, they come un-invited. A little girl cowering under the covers, stuffing her shirt into her mouth to stop the sound that escape unannounced…Yet you fear ,trying to place a comforting hand on her, you fear that her attempts to gain air through the sobs will be heard beyond these walls, unleashing further wrath in the one in the next room. You again pray that sleep has  closed off that other parent in the next room.  Through her sobs she lets you know that which you and she knows inherently… “I cant help it, I am trying , but I cant stop crying”, and then bigger, deeper sobs…

The air that is trying to oxygenate the deeper far alveoli gets stuck, as the  mucus fills them, those airways stay tightly closed ,a wheeze is all that  can escape  along the interspace of those heart wrenching sobs…You silently pray, then you carry the frustration in you  that ‘God can’t hear’.

All the Gods cannot change is the reality before you, when humans choose to produce the suffering.

Natasha, Tony or Jana, none can escape that which is before them every day…that suffering, the suffering that which becomes part of them, they carry the weight of what they have seen and heard, they just walk one day to the next… Their lives are forever modified, they shake but no, that which left the scars deep within their minds can never be shaken off... Never will they shake off that heaviness…

Providence is just another misguided term for where the souls fall, who your caretakers in this life be , all set to chance  and that  same which  seals your destiny. As mothers, fathers, children and ancestors course through their lives, destinies are weaved in. Here we humans and all universe interconnect, all just a factor of chance …

By Pc-3(from around sept 2004)

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading: SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading :  I opened the New York Times  Book review section , ready to toss it to the paper garbage , after-all I ...

SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading

SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading:  I opened the New York Times  Book review section , ready to toss it to the paper garbage , after-all I will never have the luxury of  time ...

A book I am reading

 I opened the New York Times  Book review section , ready to toss it to the paper garbage , after-all I will never have the luxury of  time to read. What is even the point of scanning at the grapes presented, preemptively knowing that they are going to be sour or just sit there and rot. Besides why spend thirty quid on some book that likely will looses flavor  in a few pages, just to add to the fattened pot of an author who when not writing  , may minister to the sick or infants of the profession ...thus went my thoughts as the page opened to the  heading 'family medicine '.

I scanned through the review, made a face and threw into the paper pile. In the evening as I made my next day's lunch ,a part of me go over to the paper pile  and read the review a little bit.

Some thing in the review irked me and I mutter to myself about 'some  Solomon guy who has no clue about places and people sit there and feel all mighty big  and judges a book's content...I bet he has nothing to do with India '  The phone rings and its my daughter...  so I express my annoyance about the reviewer . 

Thus I decide to buy the book and as I read , I am more annoyed at some random reviewer with no clue of the land or people or a past that is plausible( and true if you stitched together just the group of people and families  I knew in my infancy in a tiny village area ) had felt righteous to judge with his words . Move it another generation back and I see it all as really possible . The story flows and here I am reading it - the  covenant of water...

I change the names and move them like chess pieces and  I have my childhood vividly displayed  with all the dramatic flair of those days .There are  too many mishaps and terrible things  happen in the book, and possibly in a past not that far away , but  life did go on and people had an element of goodness and ethical ways to get through from one day to the next  as best as they could . I am not blind to the impact of caste system and the power of the landed over the poorer sections of the society , nor am I discounting that the corrupt systems' grapple-hold  and the powers be  created and made so much suffering , but the simple goodness despite it all in those around me is  what I recall . It has  changed now and  just like the dew drops  dies on a blade of grass ,the good in people have shrunk and the goodness dies daily and gradually... Just like the reaches of a cancer , quietly invading and eroding the goodness within people , in our Gods own country...yes God has been quietly slumbering , unable to heal our minds ,may be.

Back to the book - I am glad to be reading it , makes me skim to  the surface of a time that  at once makes me sad  and touched, for that which is gone  as it is part of the fabric of me... a person , part of my mind , my memories that makes me ,  the parts I hold dear  and those had moved me  through my life in times that would have felled some others under the strain it brought... I am glad to get back to that land through a book , so thank you book for getting to me through a confluence of chanced emotions and actions...I am certain some call that 'fate' and others call it 'god /deity in  action', but what ever name it carries  it chanced me to the book  and through that into a window that I can slide  into the past where with all the faults it was truly the land where God lived in its peoples minds perhaps..

by Pc-3 (05/15/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: viewing

SPRKS IN CSF: viewing:  I am at once elated and concerned by the recent interest in my posts, I wonder who finds what I write interests them. (mostly I write... mo...

viewing

 I am at once elated and concerned by the recent interest in my posts, I wonder who finds what I write interests them. (mostly I write... more for myself) . I am glad someone reads them, hopefully not just a bot or AI generated readership. I am always hopeful that my writings are not used for creating suffering for anyone in the vastness of this world, however I am sure even my innocuous  words could shape and metamorphose into spears within some dark forces, hence my trepidation with the recent interest in my posts . If more good comes of it , then it will be gratifying that something that I wrote helped some one in some form. That all I have to say about the viewing of my random posts

( by pc-3   -05/03/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: An Earth Day

SPRKS IN CSF: An Earth Day: The fog lifts  gently  as the land warms,  A log, once a tree, now on a journey, To oneness with dear Earth, I step, a poor judgment trip, O...

An Earth Day

The fog lifts  gently  as the land warms, 

A log, once a tree, now on a journey,

To oneness with dear Earth,

I step, a poor judgment trip,

On the ground, the earth smells me ,

Not mine to smell  the earth today ,gifts of  pollen, 

My nares' scourge , so reactive they block all scents ,

No breaks, no twists but for a bruised ego,

My fall cushioned on the softened leaves, 

Last fall's  gift to Mother nature, 

All nature  ,a gift for us too always

(poem by PC-3 -04/22/2023) 

SPRKS IN CSF: Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...

SPRKS IN CSF:  Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...:  Three religions...  The three monotheistic religions had started  their life in a region that had held human thoughts in where they all bre...

SPRKS IN CSF: Quiet

SPRKS IN CSF: Quiet: O little lamb, stay quiet just so; Not a peep, hold your bleat , a little while,oh do... The giant lumbers on the hills, A mantle of dus...

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views: SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views :  I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family. It i...

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views:  I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family. It is on a whim that I bought the book 'Bra...

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views:  I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family. It is on a whim that I bought the book 'Bra...

Reading books and my views

 I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family.

It is on a whim that I bought the book 'Braiding sweet grass' by Robin Wall Kimmerer, just by a chance encounter with how the words flowed in the book . I don't remember where I read the sentences, but just went ahead and  bought it for reading on the train .

 I have since stopped my thoughts to wonder more about the strong connection I felt to nature as a child growing up , how we were reminded of not wasting  and to be grateful for all that is before us. There was a sense of compassion to all the nature that surrounded us, including those wasps that bit me , the snakes that wandered out to near our house... the general premise of the times and as  my grandmother used to say  was this, "they have as much  a right to be here as you have , so let them go their way". The subsequent  generations have shifted in their ways of life and  views. The general acceptance of all life  and the way of sharing with the others in the community has given way to an isolationist and narcissistic way of viewing every day events  and people which has permeated the minds of people even in my old village in India . The place I once remembered has changed , but all that is left in me is an ache for a past that is gone away , withered away with time .In place of the small houses, now there are mansions each of them vying to be bigger and grander than the next. 

I have noticed that the sustainability of  'less waste ' as more of a struggle , I see my daughter turning off the lights that her husband leaves on all through the house and her frustrations at the lighted house in the middle of a sunny day. This is a place cultures collide and I just hope what comes out of it will be a more sustainable approach . Their new child may show the way to a middle ground away from the extremes that is all around him. As my daughter said, "I hope I can give this baby the  life I want with the values I think are important, not his dad's or society's  waste everything way of thinking".

As I read more of the 'braiding sweet grass' , I  too begin to have a deeper understanding , I too realize , each small drop of relevant values will move the future generations closer to a place of wisdom and lives lived with gratitude  becoming a way of life .Of course the future will be guided by nature , it's just a question of if it will be a transition in ease of acceptance or forced despite our resistance ...one way or the other nature will lead .

(by Pc-3, 02/17/2023)

Please....

Lives, march, sob, grieve and walk again
stare into the gloom,
feel the depth ,the abyss,
No RA, no guns , no no no...
yes where is god , when i need ...
Don't trawl me ..please... just leave me be
I care that none read what i write,
But please don't invade my grief...
by Pc3-(march2018)

SPRKS IN CSF: reflect I on (a poem by pc3)

SPRKS IN CSF: reflect I on (a poem by pc3): I want to take this space to reflect, as the future  and past draws to a close..lost to a present, almost like the inconsequential feeling ...

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols:  I have no words, only tears, I can't  watch  news ever again. I heard it as I turned the tele in the evening , Now no more... Know I wi...

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols:  I have no words, only tears, I can't  watch  news ever again. I heard it as I turned the tele in the evening , Now no more... Know I wi...

For Tyre Nichols

 I have no words, only tears,

I can't  watch  news ever again.

I heard it as I turned the tele in the evening ,

Now no more...

Know I will be haunted with that sound ...

Oh no, dear God, why have you made only evil,

Named it humans, said we have words and choices,

Yet dropped it like molten rock into men's hearts?

Cruelty thy name is human...

Animals are your creation, yet we pride in a soul,

The souls are charred vestiges ,left from your better creations ,

Be they created or evolved,  evil dwells heavy in the  souls ,

That had only cruelty to a young Tyre...

The cries will reverberate  through us , for all our days ,

Waking us from our sleep, as we pray to faceless gods ,

As we hope again in the dark  for life  for our children, 

As this cursed nation  search for a soul, yet again , in vain...

Yet again see the hardened souls , drunk with power ,

Walk by and lay down to a sleep so sound ,

For  theirs'  is a remorseless power, dark and set solid...

But for us , despite all prayers and hopes, our days just stretch long ,

Anxious hours drag into days , stretched into shriveled time, 

To our lives, our wretched lives  waiting  for our children to return,

Until the next day again and again for eternity, 

With prayers to Gods who cannot hear us...

poem by Pc3 -(01/27/2023)

 

SPRKS IN CSF: Classified documents again?!

SPRKS IN CSF: Classified documents again?!:  I think back to the time when they checked for some  boxes in a Marilago  corridor , well it appears that what was not recovered there  has...

SPRKS IN CSF: Classified documents again?!

SPRKS IN CSF: Classified documents again?!:  I think back to the time when they checked for some  boxes in a Marilago  corridor , well it appears that what was not recovered there  has...

Classified documents again?!

 I think back to the time when they checked for some  boxes in a Marilago  corridor , well it appears that what was not recovered there  has been found in a series,  as a more to follow event  I am implying the classified documents found in Biden's locked cabinet. The surprise is why stop with just two sets of documents? I am sure there are  many  more documents to be moved and deposited in other places . Lets say  for example New jersey is closer  and so is New york  some sheds etc. on where Biden may have stopped by at lets say fifty/sixty  years ago. Transportation costs will work out cheaper  too for the cheapskater  in chief and those said mole employees. 

Oh in case one forgot or is stuck with a lack of ideas , I have more suggestions... timing matters , hence consider to time it with summer solstice  or near July 4th, and the expose can be timed with summer solstice, if that is not possible can time it overshadow any other major  events. The expose time should be timed right and that way more light can be had on the tube  for the great one. Thus round and round we go, until it gets all jaded and then ' pinkie and the brain' go again to another try at 'take over the world'... 

Next try to numb any brain cells left for the masses , so they are more vulnerable to be gaslighted . The masses will fall  for all the gaslighting and be pliable to any and all possible lies and convenient truths. It  seems already evident as seen at the  house speaker debacle and santos blindness ,already infecting many. Its not covid that is stripping life out of people it is apathy and the inability to question the appearance of  fakes right in front of  all our eyes ,lets cheer for the grabbers  for them to grab our  finances, our minds and thus our lives.

Post  script: adding a few  forgotten points  on the above subject:-

There is option for an air drop to the various yard's with Biden's name to it, one can save cost by scheduling a drone drop and then they can be found by any random person floating by within the pres's yard and this can continue the drama. Then again why not get climate friendly and claim as  your own the  'climate  saving agenda'   by sending those files  along a kite  that will be wind powered ... this will align the cheif cheapskater  a way into the hearts of the idiots like me. We will lap it up with tears in our eyes for the great T saving the  earth and all those  polar bears. Ah, one small advice , don't leave the greasy finger prints on the files along with the added fake prints , may have to wipe the greasy ones and the burger flavor  off so as not to entice some  random neighborhood canine who may disturb all the pointed proof, all that evidence...

SPRKS IN CSF: Five or more steps to navigate PTSD during the Hol...

SPRKS IN CSF: Five or more steps to navigate PTSD during the Hol...:   PTSD is like a  shadow that follows you every where , the difference is this shadow is there as your constant companion , just popping up...

Five or more steps to navigate PTSD during the Holidays and beyond

 PTSD is like a  shadow that follows you every where , the difference is this shadow is there as your constant companion , just popping up whenever and wherever it feels like, always uninvited . So with that being clear, lets try to face it and accept it for what it is - its a lifelong companion who is with you for the whole journey of life, whether you like it or not , like a bump or bug bite that itches and re appears every so often, for some of us it is so often that  it is a daily part of the essence of ourselves through out our days.. 

Step 1- Accept it , always easy to say , but can't get to  really do it  as a first step,  so to alternate steps...

a - Have  a daily schedule that you follow  every day diligently, be it on holidays or weekends or work days ie. any day and every day. It helps initially to write down a schedule , look at it , stick to it and don't forget to include  things such as showering or eating/drinking ( not alcohol- alcohol even if it may be  your  current companion is  not your friend , so ditch alcohol ) and sleeping on a schedule.. .some times these basics  get forgotten and lost , especially when the PTSD is really bad . It always get better with time, indeed it does .. .

b-Any kind of physical activity helps , a walk , learning a dance - i say learning to dance , because the act of dancing or singing no longer comes naturally, nor does any of the things you ever enjoyed in the past, they  all  have an aura of a chore when you are struggling with PTSD . Despite that feel , do it like any chore and repeat . On an aside all hobbies that you get into , they are fleeting and thus do not last , so being aware of it helps.. Do still get to hobbies, doing them  and attempting to try them. Any interest  in a hobby or activity is a positive.

c-There is a certain  urge to dwell on things, saying, "why me , how unfair everything has been" etc. But try to think of your traumas not as miserable events, but just as ' experiences' . Life always have experiences, just that  these were hard ones . Hence you are not the victim ,the suffering one , nor under the yoke of PTSD, you are the survivor . Yes you are  just a person  who had some events, which you are going to chalk up as some 'experiences'...This construct is just for your mind  and it doesn't negate the horror of the traumatic event, just makes it manageable for your mind preventing it from unravelling moment to moment. That is one way  you try  get a handle on things in the attempt to live, to  get on with life , one foot in front of the other, one hour at  a time( at better times one day or few days at a time)  and still one step after another.   

d-There are some distressing  things that are beyond comprehension. One of them  being flashbacks. With the flashbacks you  notice that your day just  stayed there and withered away , hence that  feeling of wasted time .. . How to get out of these uninvited flashbacks (ie. they come in all forms and varying severity but they are  never in your control) - Try to find something that you like , be that a beach, a park , a tree that moves in the breeze, then make that piece of nature yours. keep a a picture of it  with you... for all just to escape to breathe , to get a gasp of momentary sanity... those times when you need a visual reminder and momentarily imagine being there . These reminders help you move through your day a little easier and each day these  pictorial images help you to  shed some of the internal burden you carry. Some other things that help are inspirational quotes, soothing music ,stretching , even moving to another place like out doors  , another room etc. If you can catch yourself sliding into a flash back( you can occasionally be aware of this) then these  things aid you to get out from it's  hold a little quicker . Some times you have to do multiple things , but you try and try again . If possible any physical motion or movements help and can be done unobtrusively wherever you are at. Some days you may just wake up feeling restless, annoyed ,but  do know these  are all part of the PTSD.

f-Nightmares... like the flash backs they are there... only how bad or how often they are present varies. They tend to come in groups . Bring yourself to think of them as movies ,but just horrible ones. Another helpful step is this -before you sleep try to tell yourself how the  room is yours and look at the things that make it your room and force yourself to own it ,to make it yours .This will have to be repeated for many many days. When you wake with a nightmare , it helps if you can get to ground yourself by looking and seeing something that will get your mind and brain  to move to  the present place and time. It doesn't reduce or negate the jarring nightmare that was present, just make you become aware to the  present .Yet it will be hard to fall back to sleep. This is the time when you try to day dream of your favorite place in your mind to force yourself to get back to sleep again , to get back to sleep hoping of no more nightmares . But the reality is  that they just come , so go on doing it over and over , and manage to get whatever measly sleep you can(nightmares are going to be there, but they  do become less with  time) So...

g-feeling of disconnect and lack of joy...The biggest bummer  is when you feel disconnect to your children , especially to your young child - it  always put an added layer of guilt and anger . Force to act the part of what you think  is the normal action , what has to be done  to interact  and do that acting part when faced with disconnect . With time the connectedness happen (this may come in on and off form and do take time ,so do persist to act the part) If you feel angry , do work out ,or use that energy to get things done that tend to be put off..... postponed or neglected from  day to day. The reality is there is a constant inertia that I can only describe as "being weighed down  and feeling of being stuck in cement , unable to move" It helps to have a list of prioritized tasks to complete/do as  the tendency is to focus on and to do non essentials at any given time , anger works as an energizer to task completion. No feeling of achievement will be present ,(even if you win the Nobel prize, the feeling of achievement can be absent) so say to your-self that you did it  .

h-guilt feelings and remorse . Guilt and remorse of what you lost or what could have been is a definite feeling - so come to accept that the present life is yours . It is during the holiday season and special occasions  that they seem to envelope you  more than any other time. At these times this remorse and guilt  seems to become so huge and untamable . How ever force yourself not to ever compare  your day or  life to some one else's. I think it is hard to do , but focus instead  on how you can help another in need , do anything to help others and that seems to make the day bearable and at some point you start looking at  some of the silver lining of your  big cloud...yes the cloud that goes with you everywhere and comes uninvited .

I have only given a brief mini guide . So many  a times  you are going to feel that  you are not you , but the you that is there will come together slowly bit by bit...Yes time , sometimes it seems  such a  long wait , but time  helps, and so do your efforts in those  everyday  small steps you take  . 

I may add updates to this , but for now , give these suggestions a try, one small unsteady step at  a time. I hope you do, and thus get to  finally see how to manage one day after another. Just remind yourself that  one cannot identify people who have Diabetes if and when you come across them. Like wise you don't know who all around you or me has  PTSD. As anyone with PTSD knows  you feel everyone else can see it in you , but as I said , its invisible just like the disease Diabetes...

an addendum-

what has helped me  at the many recurring low points is, if I do something to help others, or to think of  some other person who may have worse  life events in front if them , mostly  beyond their control, of where or how they were born etc . I end up giving to charity , many a time though in small amounts that I can , I do these moments to direct my thoughts  to MSF(https://www.doctorswithoutborders.org) give in  small amounts as it gives me momentary sense of peace as I feel they are helping those in need in places other charities may not get to. 

(by  peace crane-3 -12/15/2021)

SPRKS IN CSF: on Climate

SPRKS IN CSF: on Climate: I wish  each of us would opt to reduce our need for more, but we have gone to a 'selfish comfort mode '. We have grown accustomed to...

SPRKS IN CSF: on Climate

SPRKS IN CSF: on Climate: I wish  each of us would opt to reduce our need for more, but we have gone to a 'selfish comfort mode '. We have grown accustomed to...

on Climate

I wish  each of us would opt to reduce our need for more, but we have gone to a 'selfish comfort mode '. We have grown accustomed to our comforts , our enveloping temperatures , our plastic wrappings , our exotic foods from far off places, but as we consume more and more , we tend to want more to consume as we just consume with nary a moment spent to live mindfully even in a half hour period during our days wondering , just on the 'goldilock effect' , mourning the lack of that just so ideal sensory input.

I strive to do a little to reduce my wastes, my carbon foot print, but the vast mammoth prints left all around me by industries and  companies ( including those who wink and state their great progress in making a shallower carbon foot print ) just make me disheartened. The awareness that what I do or what we as a family do is less than even a drop in this vast ocean of carbon belchers whose acts just collapse my earth to a path of no return ...it is despair  and hopelessness for me . I hold this fantasy that the universe, wakes and the earth will shiver itself to action and then we are left as helpless inconsequential pests, which we have become  through all that we call progress. Some times  my prayer is "Oh universe, take over please."..

SPRKS IN CSF: Cassius Turvey

SPRKS IN CSF: Cassius Turvey:  Cassius...a name , a face , a soul,  Above all a person to who has seen you ... A news item in passing for some,  Sadness in memory for oth...

Cassius Turvey

 Cassius...a name , a face , a soul, 

Above all a person to who has seen you ...

A news item in passing for some, 

Sadness in memory for others , 

A human , lost too soon , 

Yet for some just an object...

I see the faces of my genetic future , 

Spread in the sand , just like all of them in all lands , 

Part of breaths that mingled in my air, 

And hence close to me , me the human , 

Me , a group of  DNA and chromosomes,

No different , yet for the melanine lackers ,

He too was a threat... All around me they growl, 

All they see is a threat, our thoughts , 

Our prayers, our food , anything and all,

Just our souls  invoke a fear, and they run ,

Threatened by any with souls , or is it just melanine that  they fear...

poem by Pc3(11/03/2022)

SPRKS IN CSF: Flashbacks and Gods….

SPRKS IN CSF: Flashbacks and Gods….:   Flashbacks   and Gods…. Flashbacks, they come un-invited. A little girl cowering under the covers, stuffing her shirt into her mouth to ...

SPRKS IN CSF: ode to my senses in time of loss

SPRKS IN CSF: ode to my senses in time of loss:  Ah the flared nostrils sigh in pleasure, hint of garlic and chilli waft in , Sprinkled into the  cup of yogurt, the sour notes tickle  my p...

SPRKS IN CSF: Good bye to Honor

SPRKS IN CSF: Good bye to Honor: Today Honor died with a final gasp... Lays there the ashes of 'being', of all... Slashed and raped morals smeared across the days , ...

Good bye to Honor

Today Honor died with a final gasp...

Lays there the ashes of 'being', of all...

Slashed and raped morals smeared across the days ,

Smirking arrogance  has sprouted their hopes to rape all...

Lies there thee dead ,oh humanity ,

The soul within you flayed and slaughtered, never to rise ever ...  ...

Poem by Pc-3-(06/24/22)

SPRKS IN CSF: ode to my senses in time of loss

SPRKS IN CSF: ode to my senses in time of loss:  Ah the flared nostrils sigh in pleasure, hint of garlic and chilli waft in , Sprinkled into the  cup of yogurt, the sour notes tickle  my p...

SPRKS IN CSF: Earth day...

SPRKS IN CSF: Earth day...: Earth day, another day laid to rest; the skies are loud above us,  Not the screech owl  at night, nor the hoof falls or a gallop, All  roar ...

SPRKS IN CSF: Earth day...

SPRKS IN CSF: Earth day...: Earth day, another day laid to rest; the skies are loud above us,  Not the screech owl  at night, nor the hoof falls or a gallop, All  roar ...

Earth day...

Earth day, another day laid to rest; the skies are loud above us, 

Not the screech owl  at night, nor the hoof falls or a gallop,

All  roar of planes , with war on their minds...

Man and beast, alight  beneath, souls that whimper far  abound, 

Be it Palestine , Jordan, Odessa or  Congo,

Be it hutu , tutsi,  cherokee or gaurani, 

All tears  flow slow , pained souls  sigh ,

The earth heaves  a sigh and all proud men shake ,

For the tears have been rivers , they swell and shake ,

The souls have all sighed, and massed into the howling winds, 

Ah , the earth , I too  tire at you soulless men, all beasts ...

No soul , no thought ,blind yet  they squander,   

I too sigh , Oh dear Earth , with you ,

Shudder  at the day when you oh  dear earth  your heaves ,  sigh  and shake....

 

poem  by peace crane -3 (04/22/22)

 

SPRKS IN CSF: Time

SPRKS IN CSF: Time: Fathers, mothers , daughters and sons , they entwined their lives and weaved time ... Events , they just embellished this weave, some times ...

Time

Fathers, mothers , daughters and sons , they entwined their lives and weaved time ...

Events , they just embellished this weave, some times they encrusted these weaved lives and created little knobs...

In kockanacherry Mark Anthony was told, "you are wasting time". But he knew even then as a third grader,' you never waste time , you create time '.

As he poked at the scurrying beetle and flipped it onto its shiny back and waited for it to turn over , instead of pushing a slate pencil over the  scarred grey of the old slate, he just knew ," you never waste time ", so he waited , his intense eyes holding the acrobatic dance of the beetle on its back making trails in the fine soil as time ...

story by peace crane -3 ( 03/25/2021)

SPRKS IN CSF: THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR

SPRKS IN CSF: THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN A WAR:  There are no winners in a war ........... ..................................................... Just grief  and misery........................

SPRKS IN CSF: Hibernation time

SPRKS IN CSF: Hibernation time: Its hibernation time  at last , to yawn, to  stretch and to sleep, Perchance dream big  of lands to roam , to own and mark... Wide skies to ...

Rabid Bears

 I learnt today that bears can get rabies, though rare  

And they infect others , or are they rabid dogs in bear garbs?

Some like their rabies, even whiling in the rotted brains,

Soul-less, drunk on  power, they roam , until they are done;

Oh if only all rabid ones be done ,

Before they devour  those who  breathe, snuffing  their lives  ,

Be it a saffron dog or an orange-head, or any other canine ,

Salivating all with cowardice , soul less power....if only ...

Poem by Pc-3 ( 02/24/2022)

SPRKS IN CSF: Rabid Bears

SPRKS IN CSF: Rabid Bears:  I learnt today that bears can get rabies, though rare   And they infect others , or are they rabid dogs in bear garbs? Some like their rabi...

SPRKS IN CSF: Ahmaud Arbery

SPRKS IN CSF: Ahmaud Arbery: The sun shone on me, but , alas the light had gone dark, The days stayed long, but , in their hearts all stone, In the hearts , the blood wa...

SPRKS IN CSF: Randomness--some random thoughts.(an old post, but...

SPRKS IN CSF: Randomness--some random thoughts.(an old post, but...: "People say, `Stalin's daughter, Stalin's daughter,' meaning I'm supposed to walk around with a rifle and shoot the ...

Randomness--some random thoughts.(an old post, but seem more relevant today)

"People say, `Stalin's daughter, Stalin's daughter,' meaning I'm supposed to walk around with a rifle and shoot the Americans. Or they say, `No, she came here. She is an American citizen.' That means I'm with a bomb against the others. No, I'm neither one. I'm somewhere in between. That `somewhere in between' they can't understand."

Peters' defection came at a high personal cost. She left two children behind in Russia – Josef and Yekaterina – from previous marriages. Both were upset by her departure, and she was never close to either again...(about Lana peters' passing)


As I read this, I wondered about human nature, some so extreme, that we tend to measure the progeny  colored by their parents. What really make each of us who , nay how we are? What in our environment  decide how we weave our lives?

I read this and wondered some , about the randomness of events that really shape further events that in the end is summed up as life... about the children lost into the system, children that do without parents, due to no fault of theirs, of the children that labor away in different parts of the globe, to support things they never chose. Yeah all kinds of thoughts and images crowd into my mind...eg. Nestle's cocoa bean collecting children, garment factory children, and children who wait for their farm worker parents ,awaiting earnings stained by peppers and cucumbers...
We go about from one day to the next with hardly a sidelong glance ,yet when we look to that side, life seem not so simple, but rather a very complex event , yet devoid of any glow .
The intricate patterns that become us, those interwoven events that foreshadow our future, and yet interlaced in there lies some things  and events of which we can never control-  as to how or where we are born...yet in any given moment we think and imagine all sorts of controls, to our lives ...
In the imagined free land of America, all these freedoms come with tassels, bells and weights. We supposedly  prided ourselves that we are as non-polar as we imagined at a not so far away time , yet were secretly extremely polarized. We were supposedly close to  'all being equal' in an idealistic way, yet weren't we  just  'denying all inequality equally' in   an effort to portray some optimal value facades . There is an ongoing obesity epidemic, but we blindly pander to the masses by never mentioning the O word, so as to not offend any. Forget that, even the medical profession side step the issue and never give direct nutritional advice  or activity advise, lest they perchance offend some ones 'sense of self'. Our drug culture is superior, and in our effort to fix all that ails those depths,  we continue to cushion the issues by giving them new package labels... including reasons for their dependent behaviors, "oh you are self medicating your depression', or 'you are drinking because of your anxiety"...Of course even if it is vodka that you are drowning in, you are bound to feel anxiety, I am sure. Life itself comes with anxieties, variable moods , even in the best of living beings, just by the nature of being a living being. 

Hence here  we are not addressing the various problems . all that which is rotting our very core , just changing facades and labels  do not stop the rot that is  so deep seated .
   We forget the in-between people, those who come from other lands, who really do their share in holding up the economy, holding it dear , held up at  both ends, ignore their in-between feelings, just because it's just convenient.
Besides, cultural integration is supposed to happen , say within three weeks to two month time right...just like grieving. All clear by the assigned time...or else...

The less exact nature of things that appear random are lost , may be, and with that may be a little bit of humanness  too. So, the 'in-between people ' , they shed things in bits, of who they are , a little of themselves leach away, and with it the richness of humanity slowly looses bits of itself... 
Lets hope this is not so , for hope then would foreshadow chaos, slide into an inhuman non-compassionate world of entitled, self absorbed chaos.
( as  seem more evident now)

SPRKS IN CSF: Randomness--some random thoughts.(an old post, but...

SPRKS IN CSF: Randomness--some random thoughts.(an old post, but...: "People say, `Stalin's daughter, Stalin's daughter,' meaning I'm supposed to walk around with a rifle and shoot the ...

SPRKS IN CSF: Dreams

SPRKS IN CSF: Dreams:  Chaos and confusion reign, The years held in a drop, they shatter, Few days more, you hope , but... If only a magic wand could , just have ...

Dreams

 Chaos and confusion reign,

The years held in a drop, they shatter,

Few days more, you hope , but...

If only a magic wand could , just have enough magic...

To change life- ah , confusion and pain, all is chaos,

To change all those years, time itself,

With one swoop...if it could, but...

Blend all realities, all those years,

Hold in a cup, all dreams gone awry,

What neuronal key will lock away ,this enmeshed saga,

Make  sense from this mire , of days,

Can we yet fathom what we loose,

Say - to unlock the future, nary a chance  until we sleep again,

Dare we tread there  except in our dreams... 

poem by Pc-3( happened upon it- probably from late 1990s)

Thich Nhat Hanh

 Chance brought your  wisdom to me ,

When I needed it  so urgently,

On the days that I searched, in vain for guidance that seemed too far,

Yet in a library , a book for me , along  with those for my children's read...

I took the small book, consolation, I scanned for meaning to my life , 

Words were bound within, my  thoughts were hushed ,in chains, 

Mind  aswirl in soot , calm a mirage  yet...

The monk's words soothed, to calm - direction  my secret.

Slowly to calm ,to seek a path beyond the chaos surrounds ,

To meditate, to my soul sustenance , to words meaning,

To place beyond me , to the whole , to life form in formless state, 

All to chance , some call it fate ,

 All life , all  chance moments ,

I await  for comforting serene moments it brings, 

Hope , love ,  this day, tomorrow, all different facets of the same ,

Peace ,a brief look into time and oneness ...

The  universe, time , all merge , all , moves while still into stillness, 

To the mind, to life, moments measuring time in this known space.... 

(poem by -- PC-3, 01/22/2022)

  

SPRKS IN CSF: Thich Nhat Hanh

SPRKS IN CSF: Thich Nhat Hanh:  Chance brought your  wisdom to me , When I needed it  so urgently, On the days that I searched, in vain for guidance that seemed too far, Y...

SPRKS IN CSF: america imploding -

SPRKS IN CSF: america imploding -: Ethics lay by the wayside, Compassion has died slow... In its ashes has sprouted dominance. I breathe the moral implosion, As breaths a...

SPRKS IN CSF: Hibernation time

SPRKS IN CSF: Hibernation time:  Its hibernation time  at last , to yawn, to  stretch and to sleep, perchance dream big  of lands to roam , to own and mark... Wide skies to...

Hibernation time

Its hibernation time  at last , to yawn, to  stretch and to sleep,

Perchance dream big  of lands to roam , to own and mark...

Wide skies to growl to , cold air nips at the pores, droops the eyes ;

Sonorous the murmur  of breath mixed with the snowy wind,

Yet , the bear  stays awake , want to growl , to fight the cold ,

All to lumber and lurch ,one last attempt to mark ,before the new moon ,

Before the dawn of yet another year, to trudge before sleep, roar at the valleys, 

Try and shake from Ural to Ukrain ,with hollow sounds that echo, time beckons,  

A few may  still marvel ,at the might of this dark soul of a bear yet....

(poem by PC-3  -on 12/26/2021)   

SPRKS IN CSF: Five or more steps to navigate PTSD during the Hol...

SPRKS IN CSF: Five or more steps to navigate PTSD during the Hol...:   PTSD is like a  shadow that follows you every where , the difference is this shadow is there as your constant companion , just popping up...

Covid , the pandemic and the Christmas season

 I had this wonderful idea as i lay there awaiting sleep to grace my night . It is the holiday season, people feel that they need to give back , contribute to charity etc etc....

If only there was a site where we could pay towards enhancing the vaccination all over the  world, but i have come to realize that there is no such place or site . I am sure there are a few similar minded people ( like me ) who would like to contribute towards the vaccination against the covid-19 virus , making it  a collective humanity effort. May be this is where the UN (United Nations )  as an international  inter governmental agency /universal global organization can step in and take the initiative.

I believe that is when our humanity shines brightest when we put in an effort to take care of our fellow beings  , those whom we have the opportunity to share this earth with in our short stay here. 

But when I look around , I see some of us have only one thought that is " self "...just self interest, negating any awareness that we are ultimately just  sharers of this earth along with  the others and that we have a responsibility  which " being alive" has bestowed on  us, ie. to care for the collective , the humanity, and to  sustain the  nature around us , the earth and the associated areas . But sadly we lack  some- that care,  so as a first step if we could help  at least in the current pandemic 'to care', to help with that first step towards that care , by helping in the global vaccine effort, that will provide meaning for the word 'Christmas season' , as well as meaning to the word ' Human'...

SPRKS IN CSF: Covid , the pandemic and the Christmas season

SPRKS IN CSF: Covid , the pandemic and the Christmas season:  I had this wonderful idea as i lay there awaiting sleep to grace my night . It is the holiday season, people feel that they need to give ba...

Ahmaud Arbery

The sun shone on me, but , alas the light had gone dark,

The days stayed long, but , in their hearts all stone,

In the hearts , the blood was red, but soul was naught, 

So, our  prayers , and they pray too, all prayers rise ,

All to God's who  have gone deaf, or  blind....

Where humans are beasts and beasts they are, 

All with eyes that sees not, all green , cloaked in hate ,

Stones weigh them souls ,the ground shudders,

And trees shield their branches ,sorrow rise  from ground to leaves,

The trees , they stand silent ,shocked to stillness....

Yet the Gods  , they have been silent too...

Awaiting for man to someday  become human...

A long wait that bears heavy on generations' souls,

Waiting , its  just  been so long, so weary...Oh dear God we are so tired... 

So tired of waiting , weary... God where art thou...??? 

Poem by Pc-3(2021)