As I read the NY Times piece on domestic violence' a snap shot of domestic violence spread' my first urge is to go on an educational route, next I think as a clinician would and want to write part clinical...
Here I digress and want to follow my mind and go to where it wants to go, any way that was the reason that I started the blog so long ago, to put it all on paper , to regain letters and words as I tried to re-group my mind , gather the piece-meal bits of my brain into some kind of a cohesive functional whole. I know I will never feel brilliant again, I will always seek out places to withdraw to, to hide in, to be invisible, especially when I am told how great somethings that I did is...
I will always remain wary, the invisible scars never fade .
I do not allow to be gaslighted, nor give up 'me' for some altered reality any more. I too remember calling the Domestic violence helpline , with the thought of seeking support, had called a few times from work and hung up after dialing the number, just as the shame rose in waves... I had a facade of respectability and intactness to keep and to preserve these I allowed myself to be slowly decimated.
I felt that with reasonable make up application and rational sounding explanations it could be contained , until it was no longer contained and it spilled out more and more towards the children .
As always no victim in similar situation is ready until they are ready and that is the reality .
Looking back I can see clearly , and I can project to a variety of out come possibilities 'if I had stayed' none of them have me in a living mode...
The lack of support one feels is at times real, at times it is a distortion of our perception.
When there is a gun near the bed , it is an implied threat and there is no point trying to repeat to yourself that 'you are over reacting ' to this and 'it is all in your head'. The financial control is no fiction, nor is marital rape , even when you try to rationalize it all with some religious piece or cultural practice rationale . Looking back, I realized that the subtle signs were there from those early days of marriage (thank fully those were days before any cell phones and air tags) of quizzing about your work interactions , of telling you the color of a dress that you loved is 'not good ' finding that dress you bought being have so many small cuts as you go to wear it, were all early warning signs . After all you loved that dress because it was your favorite color... they all pointed to the tsunami that was coming to swallow you as life moved ahead...
Now I know suffering domestic violence to stay married is not a measure of success, nor a virtue. I may have thought of these , but with time you were denied any thoughts... You moved , a shell , an automaton, dull and controlled , alone as your universe shrank further and further . You feared the closing of the blinds and curtains until one day you accidentally found out that an open window or door , or a neighbor ringing your door bell acts as a deterrent and so you learn to create some relief on occasion from the constant threat...
Just like some elected officials views when it comes to abortion, I was told at one point that I have to go for a late abortion, even when I and my doctor knew it is dangerous, because the father felt he has a right to a son next... Chance confluence of events helped and hence I am here to tell the story, along with the blessing of a great daughter. I feared and worried for the intergenerational transmission of abuse ,may be the post divorce stable environment I could manage helped to keep those genes from switching on... I hope so.
The threats that he will call CPS on me , the stalking , the threat to call my work and make me return to him, the threat to make me and the children live in the streets none of it ever came to be , but it made me figure out how to live with canned black beans , eggs and some leafy greens/ frozen vegetables to provide nutrition for the children. It was not long ago that I mentally prepared to live in a shelter , wearing a hoodie and dark glasses (yes, my plan so others won't recognize me at my job)thankfully never came to being . At times I think back , ever so briefly and feel I am just viewing it from the outside . I try not to dwell on what was taken from me... time, emptied out bank accounts, hid away assets , career etc , as they are irrelevant at this time as I am still alive and here for my children. After all those are just things , I am here now and that is what I have to focus on... the here , the now...
I try to move away from the past as I know it is not healthy for me to go to the past as it is bound to trigger some thing and re-start my nightmares all over again . I do not need that for me in my todays.
I can also very clearly sense the victim of domestic violence when I come across one now . I understand the defensive stands and the shame they feel as they try to hide behind their facades. It is a helpful tool for me .
by Pc-3 (06/23/2024)
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