SPRKS IN CSF: Domestic violence

SPRKS IN CSF: Domestic violence: As I read the NY Times piece on domestic violence' a snap shot of domestic violence spread' my first urge is to go on an  educationa...

Domestic violence

As I read the NY Times piece on domestic violence' a snap shot of domestic violence spread' my first urge is to go on an educational route, next I think as a clinician would  and want to write part clinical...

Here I digress and want to follow my mind  and go to where it wants to go, any way that was the reason that I started the blog so long ago, to put it all on paper , to regain letters and words as I tried to re-group my mind , gather the piece-meal bits of my brain into some kind of a cohesive functional whole. I know I will never feel brilliant again, I will always seek out places to withdraw  to, to hide in, to be invisible, especially when  I am told how great somethings that I did is...

I will always remain wary, the invisible scars never fade .

I do not allow to be gaslighted, nor give up 'me' for some altered reality any more. I too remember calling the Domestic violence helpline , with the thought of seeking support, had called a few times from work and hung up after dialing the number, just  as the shame rose in waves... I had a facade of respectability and intactness to keep and to preserve these I allowed myself  to be  slowly decimated.

I felt  that with reasonable make up application and rational sounding explanations it could be contained , until it was no longer contained and it spilled out more and more towards the children .

As always no victim in similar situation is ready until they are ready  and that is the reality .

Looking back I can see clearly , and I can project to a variety of out come possibilities  'if  I had stayed' none of them  have me in  a living mode...

The lack of support one feels is  at times real, at times it is a distortion of our perception.

When there is a gun near the bed , it is an implied threat and there is no point trying to repeat to yourself that 'you are over reacting ' to this and 'it is all in your head'. The financial control  is no fiction, nor is marital rape , even when you try to rationalize it all with some religious piece or cultural  practice rationale . Looking back, I realized that the subtle  signs were there from those early days of marriage (thank fully those were days  before any cell phones and air tags) of quizzing about  your work interactions , of  telling you the color of a dress that  you loved is 'not good ' finding that dress you bought being have so many small cuts  as you go to wear it, were all early warning signs . After all you loved that dress because it was your favorite color... they  all pointed to the tsunami that was coming to swallow you as life  moved ahead...

Now I know suffering domestic violence to stay married is not a measure of success, nor a virtue. I may have thought of these , but with time you were denied any thoughts... You moved , a shell , an automaton, dull and controlled , alone as your universe shrank further and further . You feared the closing of the blinds  and curtains until one day you accidentally found out that an open window or door , or a neighbor  ringing your door bell  acts as a deterrent and so you learn to create some relief  on occasion from the constant threat...

Just like some elected  officials views when it comes to abortion, I was told at one point that I have to  go for a late abortion, even when I and my doctor knew it is dangerous, because  the father felt he has a right to a son next... Chance confluence of events helped and hence I am here to tell the story, along with the blessing of a great daughter. I feared  and worried for the  intergenerational transmission of abuse ,may be the post divorce stable environment I could manage  helped to keep those genes from switching on... I hope so.

The threats that he will call CPS on me , the stalking , the threat to call my work and make me  return to him, the threat to make me  and the children live in the streets  none of it ever  came to be , but it made me figure out how to live with canned black beans , eggs and some leafy greens/ frozen vegetables to provide nutrition for the children. It was not long ago that I mentally prepared to live in a shelter , wearing a hoodie and dark glasses (yes, my plan so others won't recognize me  at my job)thankfully never came to being . At times I think back , ever so briefly and feel I am just viewing it from the outside . I try not to dwell on what was taken from me... time, emptied out bank accounts, hid away assets  , career etc , as they are irrelevant at this time as I am still alive and here for my children. After all those are just things , I am here now and that is what I have to focus on... the here , the now...

I try to move away from the past as I know it is not healthy for me to go to the past as it is bound to trigger some thing and  re-start my nightmares  all over again . I do not need that  for me in my  todays.

I can also very clearly sense the victim of domestic violence when I come across one now . I understand the defensive stands  and the shame they  feel as they try to hide  behind their facades. It is a helpful tool for me .

by Pc-3 (06/23/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: GHOSTS

SPRKS IN CSF: GHOSTS:  The evening's slanted rays weaved their humid haze into tendrils . In those  ghostly wisps were memories that never got made... Those s...

SPRKS IN CSF: To Protest

SPRKS IN CSF: To Protest:  To protest , yes a right , but more , thus defines our souls , They are but  bleeding souls, drips , our souls ... not warring,  Not wary c...

To Protest

 To protest , yes a right , but more , thus defines our souls ,

They are but  bleeding souls, drips , our souls ... not warring, 

Not wary calculations, not the wrath of the soul less,

Our souls , feels for those , feel their torn hopes 

Even as you try to erase... drips collective humanity ,

Yes we collectively feel, and it's power of all our souls...

Drips collects  into a tsunami, for what is right , for all...

poem by Pc-3 (04/29/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: Henry ,the bunny

SPRKS IN CSF: Henry ,the bunny: You are no O henry, o little bunny, nor a king henry Your hutch your kingdom, watchfully viewing the lands beyond,,  Be that the dining tabl...

Henry ,the bunny

You are no O henry, o little bunny, nor a king henry

Your hutch your kingdom, watchfully viewing the lands beyond,,

 Be that the dining table , or those who pass by the room,

A short pause when you greeted me ,yes ; through it to my bunny,

Who had passed on years ago, for a brief moment ,

Yet your fluffy self  an image in my mind still, even when you breathe  here no more...

poem by Pc-3 (04/14/2024)

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...:  I pray , to St.Navalany, along with all the new saints ,  All the new saints that go up  before God , no gates barring them,  All who I bes...

Saint Navalany ...

 I pray , to St.Navalany, along with all the new saints , 

All the new saints that go up  before God , no gates barring them, 

All who I beseech to, to  intercede for my earthly needs , for all my wishes ...

All these so presented ,I pray  for world peace too ,

Each day , so many more saints ;so many to carry my prayers ,

Yet my prayers  seem stifled , saints have been all around us;

There are the martyrs, of all denominations , all regions -

Those quietly suffering , those who pray and carry on ,then to die..

All who dared to hold true to their  depths, their souls ,

Those who stood up when asked to kneel, those who kneeled when asked to stand ,

All  colours, creeds , all who dared , all who lit the lamps in their hearts ,

New martyrs each day , this world has given, each  of saintly , yet human natures,

Courage of ethics , drives this flow to the heavens , an  un-ceased flood  to God , 

In our todays , in this so very modern era , they flock to the heavens ....

poem by Pc-3 (02/19/2024)

What maketh a saint- 'one who stands for what is right, despite all opposing forces, even despite one's  self ,for that is  a soul's courage '

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...

SPRKS IN CSF: Saint Navalany ...:  I pray , to St.Navalany, along with all the new saints ,  All the new saints that go up  before God , no gates barring them,  All who I bes...

SPRKS IN CSF: safety

SPRKS IN CSF: safety:  I read the news about the Japan earthquake, and my thoughts just go to the uncertainty we call life ... People of Toyama  I  pray that you ...

safety

 I read the news about the Japan earthquake, and my thoughts just go to the uncertainty we call life ...

People of Toyama  I  pray that you all are safe. I also recognize that the ties that connect us come also just 

by chance . My connection to Japan is primarily through my own daughter's connection  and some times I 

think we  may have some past life connection. I felt a connection of oneness when I visited  there  with 

my  daughter  who had been teaching there. There is no other way to describe the internal connection I 

felt breathing in the air   and feeling the murmur of the bamboos , I felt at home , felt  I belonged...

Hence I also feel with the people who are now feeling the stress  and anxiety. I know safety is a temporal 

sense that is there , but it is a memory that comes when uncertain events  take it away  or disrupt it.

We forget to feel it until it gets unmoored .I hope all the people on this earth feels safety, yet mostly by 

human actions that feeling gets broken , at other times Nature  makes disruptions.... 

SPRKS IN CSF: Moral implosion

SPRKS IN CSF: Moral implosion: Ethics lay by the wayside, Compassion has died steady and ,slow... In its ashes has sprouted dominance. I breathe , all around... the mo...

Moral implosion

Ethics lay by the wayside,
Compassion has died steady and ,slow...
In its ashes has sprouted dominance.
I breathe , all around... the moral implosion,
As breaths are extinguished...
Questions  struggle askance, for quests undefined-
Yet extracting lives, strife to life's horizons,
 Stars and gods gaze down insentient...
Words  disconnect, they are lost to me,
Meaningless , they have become chaff now.


    by
peace crane 3 (from july 2016,yet even more true today)

SPRKS IN CSF: Winds

SPRKS IN CSF: Winds: The winds, they stir in the desert, they blow hither and thither,  Shamals sneak in  to coats the days, I rise , floats on an updraft,  Yes ...

Winds

The winds, they stir in the desert, they blow hither and thither,

 Shamals sneak in  to coats the days,

I rise , floats on an updraft, 

Yes the wind beneath my wings have  shifted, 

The dust that coat me is  all that is left ,

Here it smells of death, the dunes have turned...

They have become craters, and now they  rust...

The updraft is just sorrow now, just sorrow is me.

the godlike ones calculate, lies for money, closed eyes ,

Not  to see ,yet the sand turns red all around ...

Poem by Pc-3 (12/09/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...: words, sounds separated children,  man-made borders, shelter pets, crickets in a nuclear dust, cries , breaking souls, repeat again -- h...

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...

SPRKS IN CSF: separated, at at at , tender age ...: words, sounds separated children,  man-made borders, shelter pets, crickets in a nuclear dust, cries , breaking souls, repeat again -- h...

separated, at at at , tender age ...

words, sounds
separated children,  man-made borders,
shelter pets, crickets in a nuclear dust, cries , breaking souls,
repeat again -- hate .. .control, laws, cruelties,
gloating laughter, backtracking words, sounds, crying children,
slammed doors... Bullies, laughable notes, music, sobs...
miller got soul envy,
hates a child that's ever been loved...
suckling pigs , sati on a pyre
paper white , ink that spread don't cry -only sulk to torture,
PTSD, return of the devil...time rewind, 1985 June , rules , laws...
untouchable, female, dirty, child, closed door ,
infant cries, pediatricians rules,.. dare to disobey?..
bully by any name is still one;
bully pulpits change, titles all shift shapes...
God weeps in children, in an infant,
love is not rules, nor dunes
dictator comes in all shapes, shape shifting demons,
beguiled masses...
oh so many years, traumas shadow all a life,
dare I question, raised eye brows,
oh nurse smith, one less moment of torture for my baby...
pediatrician, president or king-all shapes,
devils adorned in shimmer, mirage, life or oil vats..
Bibles- blades to guillotines,
dark days, dark shadows swirl inwards,
sorrow seeps to coat my soul,
soulless floaters, fake gods,
north star, plastic bit ,shimmer in the sky or the seas,
universe- reflected tar in our souls' images,
death, hell, life -all iterations of the same...

(poem by pc3-06/18/18)

consider donating -
https://www.aclu.org/
https://www.raicestexas.org/
or
https://actionnetwork.org/groups/raices-refugee-and-immigrant-center-for-education-and-legal-services

'I don't recall what triggered this poem, but  the content was a deep sadness for the cruelty meted out to my children by their father, especially my child born in 1985 with rules seperating him from me - his mother , yet was saved briefly by Nurse smith. I don't remember her first name , just glad she came by when she came to see  her consultant pediatrician's new baby ... the little miracles that happen even in the midst of hell called life , these are what one is thankful for ....wanted to put it out here as i recalled that miracle"

SPRKS IN CSF: Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...

SPRKS IN CSF:  Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...:  Three religions...  The three monotheistic religions had started  their life in a region that had held human thoughts in where they all bre...