Asthma, Flashbacks and Gods….

On  Asthma, flashbacks and Gods….

Flashbacks, they come un-invited. A little girl cowering under the covers, stuffing her shirt into her mouth to stop the sound that escape unannounced…Yet you fear ,trying to place a comforting hand on her, you fear that her attempts to gain air through the sobs will be heard beyond these walls, unleashing further wrath in the one in the next room. You again pray that sleep has  closed off that other parent in the next room.  Through her sobs she lets you know that which you and she knows inherently… “I cant help it, I am trying , but I cant stop crying”, and then bigger, deeper sobs…

The air that is trying to oxygenate the deeper far alveoli gets stuck, as the  mucus fills them, those airways stay tightly closed ,a wheeze is all that  can escape  along the interspace of those heart wrenching sobs…You silently pray, then you carry the frustration in you  that ‘God can’t hear’.

All the Gods cannot change is the reality before you, when humans choose to produce the suffering.

Natasha, Tony or Jana, none can escape that which is before them every day…that suffering, the suffering that which becomes part of them, they carry the weight of what they have seen and heard, they just walk one day to the next… Their lives are forever modified, they shake but no, that which left the scars deep within their minds can never be shaken off... Never will they shake off that heaviness…

Providence is just another misguided term for where the souls fall, who your caretakers in this life be , all set to chance  and that  same which  seals your destiny. As mothers, fathers, children and ancestors course through their lives, destinies are weaved in. Here we humans and all universe interconnect, all just a factor of chance …

By Pc-3(from around sept 2004)

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading: SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading :  I opened the New York Times  Book review section , ready to toss it to the paper garbage , after-all I ...

SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading

SPRKS IN CSF: A book I am reading:  I opened the New York Times  Book review section , ready to toss it to the paper garbage , after-all I will never have the luxury of  time ...

A book I am reading

 I opened the New York Times  Book review section , ready to toss it to the paper garbage , after-all I will never have the luxury of  time to read. What is even the point of scanning at the grapes presented, preemptively knowing that they are going to be sour or just sit there and rot. Besides why spend thirty quid on some book that likely will looses flavor  in a few pages, just to add to the fattened pot of an author who when not writing  , may minister to the sick or infants of the profession ...thus went my thoughts as the page opened to the  heading 'family medicine '.

I scanned through the review, made a face and threw into the paper pile. In the evening as I made my next day's lunch ,a part of me go over to the paper pile  and read the review a little bit.

Some thing in the review irked me and I mutter to myself about 'some  Solomon guy who has no clue about places and people sit there and feel all mighty big  and judges a book's content...I bet he has nothing to do with India '  The phone rings and its my daughter...  so I express my annoyance about the reviewer . 

Thus I decide to buy the book and as I read , I am more annoyed at some random reviewer with no clue of the land or people or a past that is plausible( and true if you stitched together just the group of people and families  I knew in my infancy in a tiny village area ) had felt righteous to judge with his words . Move it another generation back and I see it all as really possible . The story flows and here I am reading it - the  covenant of water...

I change the names and move them like chess pieces and  I have my childhood vividly displayed  with all the dramatic flair of those days .There are  too many mishaps and terrible things  happen in the book, and possibly in a past not that far away , but  life did go on and people had an element of goodness and ethical ways to get through from one day to the next  as best as they could . I am not blind to the impact of caste system and the power of the landed over the poorer sections of the society , nor am I discounting that the corrupt systems' grapple-hold  and the powers be  created and made so much suffering , but the simple goodness despite it all in those around me is  what I recall . It has  changed now and  just like the dew drops  dies on a blade of grass ,the good in people have shrunk and the goodness dies daily and gradually... Just like the reaches of a cancer , quietly invading and eroding the goodness within people , in our Gods own country...yes God has been quietly slumbering , unable to heal our minds ,may be.

Back to the book - I am glad to be reading it , makes me skim to  the surface of a time that  at once makes me sad  and touched, for that which is gone  as it is part of the fabric of me... a person , part of my mind , my memories that makes me ,  the parts I hold dear  and those had moved me  through my life in times that would have felled some others under the strain it brought... I am glad to get back to that land through a book , so thank you book for getting to me through a confluence of chanced emotions and actions...I am certain some call that 'fate' and others call it 'god /deity in  action', but what ever name it carries  it chanced me to the book  and through that into a window that I can slide  into the past where with all the faults it was truly the land where God lived in its peoples minds perhaps..

by Pc-3 (05/15/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: viewing

SPRKS IN CSF: viewing:  I am at once elated and concerned by the recent interest in my posts, I wonder who finds what I write interests them. (mostly I write... mo...

viewing

 I am at once elated and concerned by the recent interest in my posts, I wonder who finds what I write interests them. (mostly I write... more for myself) . I am glad someone reads them, hopefully not just a bot or AI generated readership. I am always hopeful that my writings are not used for creating suffering for anyone in the vastness of this world, however I am sure even my innocuous  words could shape and metamorphose into spears within some dark forces, hence my trepidation with the recent interest in my posts . If more good comes of it , then it will be gratifying that something that I wrote helped some one in some form. That all I have to say about the viewing of my random posts

( by pc-3   -05/03/2023)

SPRKS IN CSF: An Earth Day

SPRKS IN CSF: An Earth Day: The fog lifts  gently  as the land warms,  A log, once a tree, now on a journey, To oneness with dear Earth, I step, a poor judgment trip, O...

An Earth Day

The fog lifts  gently  as the land warms, 

A log, once a tree, now on a journey,

To oneness with dear Earth,

I step, a poor judgment trip,

On the ground, the earth smells me ,

Not mine to smell  the earth today ,gifts of  pollen, 

My nares' scourge , so reactive they block all scents ,

No breaks, no twists but for a bruised ego,

My fall cushioned on the softened leaves, 

Last fall's  gift to Mother nature, 

All nature  ,a gift for us too always

(poem by PC-3 -04/22/2023) 

SPRKS IN CSF: Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...

SPRKS IN CSF:  Three religions... The three monotheistic religio...:  Three religions...  The three monotheistic religions had started  their life in a region that had held human thoughts in where they all bre...

SPRKS IN CSF: Quiet

SPRKS IN CSF: Quiet: O little lamb, stay quiet just so; Not a peep, hold your bleat , a little while,oh do... The giant lumbers on the hills, A mantle of dus...

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views

SPRKS IN CSF: SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views: SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views :  I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family. It i...

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views:  I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family. It is on a whim that I bought the book 'Bra...

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views

SPRKS IN CSF: Reading books and my views:  I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family. It is on a whim that I bought the book 'Bra...

Reading books and my views

 I am reading books again, as my days have spaces opened for them as I travel to see family.

It is on a whim that I bought the book 'Braiding sweet grass' by Robin Wall Kimmerer, just by a chance encounter with how the words flowed in the book . I don't remember where I read the sentences, but just went ahead and  bought it for reading on the train .

 I have since stopped my thoughts to wonder more about the strong connection I felt to nature as a child growing up , how we were reminded of not wasting  and to be grateful for all that is before us. There was a sense of compassion to all the nature that surrounded us, including those wasps that bit me , the snakes that wandered out to near our house... the general premise of the times and as  my grandmother used to say  was this, "they have as much  a right to be here as you have , so let them go their way". The subsequent  generations have shifted in their ways of life and  views. The general acceptance of all life  and the way of sharing with the others in the community has given way to an isolationist and narcissistic way of viewing every day events  and people which has permeated the minds of people even in my old village in India . The place I once remembered has changed , but all that is left in me is an ache for a past that is gone away , withered away with time .In place of the small houses, now there are mansions each of them vying to be bigger and grander than the next. 

I have noticed that the sustainability of  'less waste ' as more of a struggle , I see my daughter turning off the lights that her husband leaves on all through the house and her frustrations at the lighted house in the middle of a sunny day. This is a place cultures collide and I just hope what comes out of it will be a more sustainable approach . Their new child may show the way to a middle ground away from the extremes that is all around him. As my daughter said, "I hope I can give this baby the  life I want with the values I think are important, not his dad's or society's  waste everything way of thinking".

As I read more of the 'braiding sweet grass' , I  too begin to have a deeper understanding , I too realize , each small drop of relevant values will move the future generations closer to a place of wisdom and lives lived with gratitude  becoming a way of life .Of course the future will be guided by nature , it's just a question of if it will be a transition in ease of acceptance or forced despite our resistance ...one way or the other nature will lead .

(by Pc-3, 02/17/2023)

Please....

Lives, march, sob, grieve and walk again
stare into the gloom,
feel the depth ,the abyss,
No RA, no guns , no no no...
yes where is god , when i need ...
Don't trawl me ..please... just leave me be
I care that none read what i write,
But please don't invade my grief...
by Pc3-(march2018)

SPRKS IN CSF: reflect I on (a poem by pc3)

SPRKS IN CSF: reflect I on (a poem by pc3): I want to take this space to reflect, as the future  and past draws to a close..lost to a present, almost like the inconsequential feeling ...

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols:  I have no words, only tears, I can't  watch  news ever again. I heard it as I turned the tele in the evening , Now no more... Know I wi...

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols

SPRKS IN CSF: For Tyre Nichols:  I have no words, only tears, I can't  watch  news ever again. I heard it as I turned the tele in the evening , Now no more... Know I wi...

For Tyre Nichols

 I have no words, only tears,

I can't  watch  news ever again.

I heard it as I turned the tele in the evening ,

Now no more...

Know I will be haunted with that sound ...

Oh no, dear God, why have you made only evil,

Named it humans, said we have words and choices,

Yet dropped it like molten rock into men's hearts?

Cruelty thy name is human...

Animals are your creation, yet we pride in a soul,

The souls are charred vestiges ,left from your better creations ,

Be they created or evolved,  evil dwells heavy in the  souls ,

That had only cruelty to a young Tyre...

The cries will reverberate  through us , for all our days ,

Waking us from our sleep, as we pray to faceless gods ,

As we hope again in the dark  for life  for our children, 

As this cursed nation  search for a soul, yet again , in vain...

Yet again see the hardened souls , drunk with power ,

Walk by and lay down to a sleep so sound ,

For  theirs'  is a remorseless power, dark and set solid...

But for us , despite all prayers and hopes, our days just stretch long ,

Anxious hours drag into days , stretched into shriveled time, 

To our lives, our wretched lives  waiting  for our children to return,

Until the next day again and again for eternity, 

With prayers to Gods who cannot hear us...

poem by Pc3 -(01/27/2023)

 

SPRKS IN CSF: Classified documents again?!

SPRKS IN CSF: Classified documents again?!:  I think back to the time when they checked for some  boxes in a Marilago  corridor , well it appears that what was not recovered there  has...